Winter and the Diva Teacher

First, teachers are so VERY happy that Winter Break comes. I think they call it that because it comes at just about the time that winter begins and right around the time we begin to feel that if we don't take some time off, we are gonna break some of these little darlings necks!!

Of course there are things you should know to have a successful Winter Break

• if your child's teacher says "hey, they don't really have to come to school tomorrow", know that we really mean that! if you are worried about little NukNuk keeping his perfect attendance record in tack, just let me know. I will be more than happy to mark him 'present'.
• on PJ day please have your child in tennis shoes. I know they love those Princess Tiana slippers with the hole at the toes, and I am sure they were cute one time. but think, they go in the BATHROOM at a PUBLIC SCHOOL with those on. They will have scurvey of the toe by end of day.
• While we are on this...get them some new damn PJs for school!! Those same Spiderman PJs that used to have the feet, but you have cut them down to shorts over the last few years are not the joint.  NukNuk looks crazy in the Daisy Dukes!! Sheesh!
• (this is really happening today)...don't try to fool us and send your kid to school today in socks because you are angry that they were passed over for the shoe give away. c'mon son!!! those shoes were for kids who really needed them.  your kid came to school yesterday in the new Jordan retro 11's that don't even come out until December 23rd!!
• (BTW....can you hook a teacher up with whosoever you know that got your those kicks early? I got a kid who wears a size....oh never mind)
• I really don't care if you don't like using the term Merry Christmas because you are now some religion that does not like Christmas or pork. Dammit take the Merry Christmas for what it is worth, a nice gesture.  I am not giving up Merry Christmas nor will I be giving up bacon and smothered pork chops.
• Do not and I repeat  DO NOT buy your child's teacher those chocolate covered cherries from the Walgreen's, Family Dollar and the like. I think we keep getting these because when your precious little baby gives them to use all smiles and giggling and proud, we can't help but say how much we love these little pieces of chocolate covered death.  Look...just don't get 'em. A Snickers or every just a handmade card will suffice.  Who eats those things anyway?

Cafeteria Duty and the Diva Teacher...

I hate having cafeteria duty in the morning.  Quite honestly, I hate having cafeteria duty at lunch. I just hate the cafeteria. I even hated when we had the awards assemebly in there because they were re-carpeting the multipurpose room!

I really hate morning duty because not only do I have to deal with my kids and every other Kindergarten to second grade student, but I also have to deal with their parents.  I wish I could write a memo to all parents who bring their kids to breakfast. It would go something like this:


Dear Parents,

Thank you so much for bringing your child to breakfast each morning. As you know, breakfast is an important part of the day and really gets our kids off to a great start. However, there are just a few reminders I have for you to make our mornings run a tad more smoothly:

1. Please wear foundation garments.  I understand that you may have just rolled out of bed and really don't want to have to change clothes simply to change back when you head home and go back to bed, but please be considerate and where a bra and some drawers. Seeing your boobies down to your knees before the teachers have had their first good cup of coffee is difficult and confuses the teachers and students.  We also ask that you consider wearing panties. See Spongebob and Tweety flopping around all willie-nillie is equally as diheartening as the boob thing.
2. Breakfast is pronounced Break-fast...not breef-us.
3. The meal is for your child that attends this school RIGHT NOW. Ray-Ray and Lil Kwan that you keep for your girl Shirl while she goes to Concord Career Academy (you know, she go to school).
4. The extra milk in the cafeteria is reserved for the students, you sticking it in your purse for your kids at home is unacceptable.
5. Really...the tank top and no shorts is not a good look. Please see #1
6. Breakfast is served from 7:50 to 8:20.  Your child may not have a chance to eat if you come any later!! If you are steeping in the door at8:30 you will really have to excuse the mumbles of the teachers because we have to get your child to class...you know, this is school.  "My baby needs to gets his apple jacks and milk!"  should not replace you saying  "Good Morning".
7. Really....you have on no foundation garments, but you still have on your lashes and the 6 packs of wet and wavy from the club last night?
8. Please remember to take off your over 21 club wrist band and/or the X they drew on your hand from the club last night.
9. If you are an evening employee at an establishment that is for the entertainment if gentlemen that includes wine and spirits, please take a quick shower before bringing your child to breakfast. It is hard on the teachers to smell Black and Milds and Hennessy that early in the morning.
10. Just so you are aware, the reference to Hennessy in the above statement is to the libation, not the child in Ms. Nixon's pre-K class.

Parents, we thank you for your cooperation in this matter. Have a great day!

Monday After Next...

I will be on vacation and will not have to deal with the foolishness that goes on here.

So this morning I am at work in my cute shoes and the only thing i can think is that I want to be here for the required 7.33 hours and them go home and take myself to bed.  First up today is a mother who is angry that her child is not getting breakfast this morning.  Mind you breakfast starts around 7:50 and goes until 8:20. I pick up my kids at 8:30 on PURPOSE because I know that you will come running in here at 8:20 in your satin bonnet and Tweety pajama pants with the expectation that your child should sit and have a leisurely breakfast while I wait patiently.

"My baby need to eat."

I wonder just how much does baby need to eat because you should have a house full of Honey Nut Cheerios and Juicy Juice from that WIC check.

But I digress.

So we finally make it back to class and get teh lesson started (at 8:45 because I had to wait on my brunch baby). At 9:30 someone is at the door SCREAMING. It is constantly late child with her constantly later brothers and sisters.  Let's run through this family.

• Two kids are in 5th
• Two are in first
• There is a child in each grade that we have here
• There is one child in Pre-K
• There is one at home
• Mom is pregnant

There are approximately 7 daddies on file.  Anyway this chick is screaming in the hallway and her brother and sister are telling her to "get her behind in the classroom". She is screaming like there is someone stabbing her. And since that is quite possible here, I decided that I would wait at my desk for a minute to see if she would stop. 

The brother decides he has had enough, grabs her by both arms and slings her into the room. This does not stop the hollering.  So then this kid does the best fall, turn and crawl I have ever seen...kinda like when you are trying to kill one of those quick roaches and it flips itself over and crawls under the refrigerator.  Now I am in the hall trying to catch screaming ninja roach in my 4 inch Ralph Lauren heels and skirt.

The other teachers are now in the hall enjoying the show.

One finally says what can I do to help you.

My reply: "Gin, tonic, and a slice of lime will help"

I finally get this kid to stop screaming but she is not refusing to come to class. She is sitting in the hall.

As of the last line I just typed, she is now screaming again. I am loosing my patience. I am not going to make it as  "Text Book" teacher much longer.

Sigh...I have to go now.  Keep me in prayer.

 Yeah...as hard as it is sometimes...I love my job!